Love never dies, does it? It was so good to see hb again. It reminded me what it feels like to really love someone. I think I had forgotten. But it also reminded me that love can only take you so far.
And in my case, it seems to take me to the tube stop.
I last saw hb at Oval station on New Years eve, going on almost three years ago. It was a heart wrenching break up.
Tonight we caught a few pints, and had Indian food, even though my stomach doesn't really care for Indian food. After we caught up about all the routine work, family and importantly - her new girlfriend, and just before the bill came, we delved into a brief but sincere heart to heart.
Love, even old love nestles itself into the space that two people hold each other with their eyes.
Hb was the first woman I ever slept with, and the first I ever loved. We first met in London, while I was visiting from Canada on a work trip. The morning after, we stood in the hotel room, and looked at each other that way, and spoke about what a profound and confusing powerful slate of emotions had come over us.
and to this hb finished her confessions of feelings, with a blunt "so what".
I after all lived in Canada, and she in London, and up until 12 hours prior we knew nothing of each other's existences.
At the time, which was a life time ago, I struck back that 'so what' with a heart full of optimism. I had a huge fearless heart of hope, and a core belief that love could overcome anything, even the Atlantic ocean.
and I, with everything I had in my being, held onto that hope until a year later, when we stood at Oval station, and tearfully parted ways.
I look back at the former self and know that I am changed.
my heart has hardened. and that is neither a good nor a bad thing. it just is.
I learned, very intimately what hb had meant by "so what"in that relationship. Love, after all is good enough for just that -love, but you need a lot more than that for it to work out. Living in the same continent is a start.
On the bus ride back to Hackney, I reflected on this former naive self. How now I know better, or rather, my heart had aged, and wised up a bit. Hand on the burner, driving fast on loose gravel, and all that. I felt so much older, and protective of my heart.
but after holding her stare and breathing in that old love, and feeling that terrible moment of panic when we finally had to say good bye tonight, I realized that if I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, and knowing the pain that resulted, I would still do it all over again.
I wouldn't of given up a single moment I had with her.
Well, there might of been a couple moments I would of given up, several even, but I don't think hypothetical time travel is that sophisticated.
2 hours ago