White Supremacy and Quilting: Stupid things I say

My new years resolution is to quit writing in my free time and start doing, making and watching.

But I had to just get this one out.

As part of this doing, making, creating year, I wanted to start a new quilt.
I started thinking about patterns and colours I might like to work on. I started looking through art deco motifs, for something that could translate into a quilting pattern, and something that would go well in the boudoir. That led me to a few painters, which led me to images by a few abstract artists, and then I came across this this painting by Frank Stella, from his Black Series. It's Called Turkish Mambo.

That was it. I was sold. I could see it on my bed, and I could see those fine lines looking so great with my dark wood furniture, my black and white photographs and my copper green walls. I was so excited, I couldn't sleep thinking about how I was going to execute it. I spent days working out the pattern, Recruited my engineer friend to help with ratios, calculated yardage, sourced wool felt, divided and considered fabrics by widths, by thickness, by price.

And then a co-worker, and fellow visual artist came in my office yesterday, and I showed her what I was working on.
And she let me have it.

Why would I want to copy this man? Why would I want to put all of this energy into his work? Why would I want to wrap myself up in him? and Why would I want to copy another artist?

At this, I gave a sigh, and an eye roll.
My job is dedicated to celebrating the cultural and artistic contributions of a diversity of artists and my particular job is focused on supporting racialized and disabled artists. My job is to think critically about equality in the arts and to also be acutely sensitive to issues around appropriation and exploitation.

But this. My quilt. Quilters borrow, share, use and reuse patterns all the time. Geometric designs, like this, are the norm in fact. I didn't care about Frank Stella, and his copyright, in fact I actually HATE the new york modernest school, for it's egotistical elitist white male dominated sense of self inflated importance. I had no respect for him, so thus, somehow in my rationale, it was ok to take from him. In fact who better to take from?


And in that mental utterance, was the moment, I lowered my shoulders and my eyebrows, took a deep breath, and realized, that this thinking, was my white supremest ideology, talking.

My sense of entitlement, that I may take what I want, (even from another white guy) and use it as I want, however I want, to my benifit is a racist value, that has been so deeply ingrained in me.
And I didn't even see it, until someone held up a mirror.

"Is that racist?"

There has been a viral explosion of "Stupid Shit White girls say" videos this week. They are pretty funny, and they seem like a great way for racialized women to make known the very racist, ignorant and mean shit they listen to and experience on a regular basis.

For myself, and maybe for other white women, being part of this broad group of "white girls" and experiencing this kind of public shaming, guilting and mocking, sucks.

I think sometimes, in these kinds of experiences, shame, blame and guilt get placed into really simplistic understandings - like "well maybe I deserve it. because I'm white and because I came from colonizers, and because I don't experience racism. Just suck it up and take it" type of internal discourse.

But that initial response is problematic because it generates feelings of victimization or unjust punishment. Like telling yourself you are getting blamed, for something you didn't do, (or don't think you do).

But for me, it's important to let go of the defensiveness, the "but I would never!" and "but I don't do that!" and remind myself, that while I don't *think* I say stupid shit like that, because of the very fact that I am white, my thoughts, my words, my actions and my assumptions will always be layered and filtered through the racist values that surround me, and that I have been conditioned in. What is most powerful in these videos, is the reminder that those values will ALWAYS surface in ways that I am not conscious of, over and over again, even when you take away the valley girl accent.

I will never be cured of racism. Like a cancer, it has spread throughout me, and often I can not see it, or feel it, or even know when or where it will flare up.

But I must do everything I can to fight it, in myself, and all around me. I need to be constantly on top of my disease, constantly seeking out new treatments and taking alternative perspectives. What these videos also tell me, is that I'm not doing enough to call this shit out, when I hear it. And while my spotting skills are less acute, these videos, are in someways, symptom detection tips, so we white women can more easily spot the signs of stupid in each other.

All things considered, "Stupid Shit White girls say" is a pretty generous and enjoyable method of treatment.