Last night at yoga Eleanor just wasn't her usual self. She was slower then usual and she didn't seem very happy. We didn't talk very much, or dance in our seats in the car, for that matter, which is what we usually do on our way to yoga. Last night was our last yoga date for awhile as she's off to warmer climates until the summer.
The thing with Eleanor is that the emotional really influences the physical and vice versa. When she is unhappy, she gets really sick. When she is sick, she's usually pretty unhappy about that. Eleanor also really likes routine.
I guess, really, I'm not that different from Eleanor. She just knows how to show how she feels on her outside, instead of trying to cover it up.
I've been fighting, something, for almost 2 weeks now. I've been constantly run down and tired. Every muscle and joint aches. My joie de vivre quota is substandard. My eyes hurt. I creek. I sniffle.
Last night on the drive home, listening to really bad pop on bob FM, I just started to cry. It was a short burst, like a sun shower and I don't really know why.
Today I'm taking my second day off in two weeks.
I'm not sure what it is that I'm fighting.
I'm fighting how very lonely I find the holidays.
I'm fighting trying to forget.
I'm fighting the snow.
I'm fighting my body.
I'm fighting to get out of bed.
I'm fighting wanting.
I'm fighting my skin.
I'm fighting my overwhelming dread of New Years.
I'm fighting back tears.
I'm fighting winter.
and soon, no doubt, I'll be fighting with my mother.
Or then again, maybe I'm just fighting a cold.
4 hours ago
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3 comments:
dreading new years? that's terrible! i mean, so's everything else you listed, but they seem so much more understandable... especially the loneliness of the holidaze. new years, though: that can be a chance for promises and loving yourself. i don't have much else to say, except vitamin d supplements are pretty key to my ability to get out of bed every morning.
I find New Year's tough - all that drive to have! so! much! fun!
yeah - I find it too much pressure. I'm good on the self-love, independence and promises front the rest of the year. But like Valentine's day - I find it really geared to couples and commitment and love.
Plus last year, was severally bad:
(Excerpt)
"10:15 am New Years Eve. Air France.
Heathrow to Charles de Gaulle, to Trudeau. I would go via Paris. I had always loved Paris. But with just enough time to change planes, I wouldn’t see it this time.
We'd had had so many long hard tearful goodbyes at the Oval Station. This one had been the worst, because we knew. After everything, it had all come down to this. We were both overcome with regret and fear and the realization of what had happened. Neither one of us wanted to let go.
I arrived in Montreal on New Years Eve and I thought it best to call an old friend and join in on their festivities. To not be alone. And so it was that I ended up in Saint Henri. With terrible wanna-bes - scraping by on the naughtiness of cocaine and opium, while I feel asleep just after midnight, listening to the awkward laughs and quiet pauses in their pathetic attempts at conversation.
The party ended around 5 am, just as I was waking up. 10 am London time. My body still wanted to be there, waking up next to her.
But instead I am on this bus, waiting to get home.
The greyhound stopped just outside of the University of Ottawa, at 8:30 am on New Years day.
The snow drifted down, in giant silent flakes. The snow muffled all distant sounds. I was the only one there. No cars drove by. No one. It was as if the world had been evacuated. I waited there for the city transit bus, to come and find me and take me home.
Eventually it did.
My home was dark and cold. No one knew I had returned. I couldn’t bear to tell them. I couldn’t bear to tell anyone, or even say the words out loud."
Then again - celebrations will be had - because really - anything on that will be a drastic improvement!
Ahh optimism.
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